My DIY Project

I hate spiders.  And I don’t just hate them but HATE, HATE, HATE them.  I detest everything about them and firmly believe God made a mistake when he created these villainous things just before He unleashed  . . .  I mean, let them roam free upon the earth.

How does this fact correlate to my DIY project?  One could conclude that I came across a few of those horrid creatures today, but I can assure you that wasn’t the case.  Actually, no persons were harmed today.  Sadly, no spiders were either.

However, in my quest to finish our garage project I wanted to ensure no spider could cohabitate with me in the future.  So, I selected the necessary item to meet my vigilante goal.  A tube of caulking epoxy which dries/seals in less than 30 minutes.  I plastered that seal on the floorboards and around the windows until I had caulked and sealed every hole except one: a two foot by two foot corner under our 80 gallon well pump.  There in the hard to reach space I was sure the spider networks were tapping out Morris code for “there is the light source.  Come to the light.”  And of course the light would turn into a room and that room would be MY new family game room.  This would simply not do.

So I ran to the local hardware store and bought a can of “crack” (not to be confused as drug related) filler.  It is a yellowish substance and its purpose it to expand and grow.  Does anyone remember the “I Love Lucy” episode where Lucy makes bread with too much yeast and it grows and grows and grows until her oven explodes.  Well, the crack filler does the same thing.  You spray this yellow, sticky substance that expands and permeates into every conceivable crevice until it eventually hardens into Styrofoam puffs sealing all gaps. The finished product isn’t all that appealing to the eye, but it gets the job done.  However, as Lucy discovered, confined spaces are not always the best place for expanding substances.  Trapped in a crawl space under 80 gallons of well water, a large dollop from the long straw-like vessel (used to get in the hard to reach places) fell in my hair.

After emptying the can of its awe inspiring vastness of yellow goo I left the cracks to solidify and went to wash the stuff out of my hair.  Have you ever had gum in your hair?  Well it was worse than that.  I hadn’t realized there could be a worse substance than gum in your hair but now I’ve found one.  After several washings I was wet and drippy.   My husband’s fine tooth comb now had yellow sludge filling the gaps between the teeth and I still had a rat’s nest in my hair.

Staring in the mirror I was suddenly reminded of my young mother days.  As a new mom I chose to breastfeed as a great cost/time saving plan. One didn’t have to go to the grocery store in the middle of the night.  No mixing and warming, not much loss of sleep, just whip out the ole boobie and feed the crying babe until he dozed off.  It was a win-win until I eventually needed to go shopping for things other than formula. That’s when I found myself having to nurse my one month old who happened to be born with a nice cap of black, thick, hair.

At the time I was new at everything.  New at breastfeeding, new at mothering and everything else to do with taking care of a little person.  Not to mention new to the whole experience of whipping the milk jugs out in public when they had been holstered for years since their burgeoning.  I found myself with a sudden attack of shyness mixed with uncertainly and a whole heap of modesty.

But damn, there was nowhere to feed him in the mall.  No quiet corner to do it in private.  Taking him to the car never entered my mind so  I anxiously sat down in the food court in the mall to feed my now very hungry son  who( at first) waited patiently until I found a spot to feed him but who was now telling the whole word “Look at my mom!”  “She’s got these big knockers out and is about to feed me!”  “Come and see!”

For all the stares I got I could have put a hat down and collected monies for busking.  Instead I discreetly placed my son just under the table.  I yanked out one feeder and shoved it in his mouth.   Amazingly enough he shut up, chowed down and gurgled happily.

When he was done I covered myself back up and pulled him out from underneath the table.  To my disgust and horror his beautiful head of hair had gooey sticky gum all in it.  I didn’t know if I was more horrified by the gum or the fact that someone else’s saliva, and no doubt food bits, were all in my precious and perfect newborn’s hair.

So staring in that mirror with wet, sticky hair I did the only thing I could do back then to my one month old.  I reached for the scissors and started cutting away.  Now I need to make an appointment with my stylist, but at least I barred any spider from invading my game room.  It’s so well insulated nothing’s get in.  Hmm …  I wonder how much oxygen is left …

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